February 20, 2015

Judging Books By Their Covers

Hello all, Christina here!  For this post, I have decided to do exactly what you're not supposed to, and judge a bunch of books by their covers.  Basically, using the cover(s) and title(s) of the following book(s), I will create a short story of what I feel they say the book(s) is/are about.
Please note that this is just for fun.  The covers of these books are beautiful, and I mean no offense to the book's authors, cover designers/illustrators, or fans.  All that you read below comes from my personal, kooky interpretation of these covers.  Enjoy!

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1. The Twilight saga by Stephanie Meyer

Once upon a time there was a girl.  Her name was Apple, because the only things she ever ate were apples (and only red ones, at that).  She was also nocturnal, and woke up at twilight every evening.
As you can imagine, this deeply concerned her parents.  So, they decided to send their pale, malnourished child on a quest to find another food she could eat.  They'd also made some big speech about "coming of age" and all that stuff, but Apple hadn't really been paying attention at the time.  She had beaten that one really hard level in that stupid candy moving game, however.
Anyway, as her parents went to bed, Apple woke up, filled her backpack with apples, and set out into the forest to look for other foods.
Since it was a new moon that night, Apple couldn't see, and kept crashing into things.  At one point, she tried to walk around a rosebush, but tripped over one of the vines, cut her thumb, and got blood all over one of the rose's white blossoms.  "Stupid plant," she'd muttered, sucking on her thumb as she walked away.
The final straw, however, was three nights later, when she got her red hair ribbon caught on a tree branch, and heard a horrible ripping sound.
"That does it!" she exclaimed, "I'm not even sure why I'm on this stupid quest!  I'm going home!"
By the time Apple returned to her house, dawn was breaking.  She froze when she saw a "sold" sign on her front lawn.  Immediately, she ran to the door and started knocking.
A middle-aged man in a bathrobe and slippers answered the door.  "Can I help you?" he mumbled sleepily, taking a sip from a chipped coffee mug.
"Uh, who the heck are you?"
"Oh, are you Apple?"
"...yes," she answered warily.
"The people selling this house told me about you.  Were they your parents?"
She nodded.
"You got yourself some pretty lame parents, kid.  Hot chocolate?" he gestured at the mug in his hand, "There's more in the kitchen."
Apple had only ever had apple juice before, but she had run out of apples, and her stomach was making weird noises, so she agreed.
The two played chess while they sipped hot chocolate, and, while Apple was horrible at chess, she kept persuading the kind man, whose name was Jed, to play one more game.  She was learning.
Besides, the hot chocolate really wasn't all that bad.

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2. The Lunar Chronicles books #1-3 by Marissa Meyer

Once upon a time there was a very stylish amputee named Cindscaress who, even those it was completely impractical, loved to wear high heels.  She was often tripping and falling over because of this, but it was okay, because heels complimented her thighs, not to mention they made her look fabulous.
Her best friend was a very proper person named Cresindlet who, in the name of fashion, had grown her hair out to nearly a mile long.  She didn't want it to drag on the ground, so she lived in a tall tower in the middle of the woods.  People got in and out by use of her nice rope ladder, for, as Cresindlet claimed, doors were so last year.  In reality, however, she used a ladder because she wasn't stupid enough to dangle her hair out the window and have people climb that.  That would just be uncivilized.
Because Cresindlet's tower had no central heating system (her hair could get in the fireplace!), she often caught colds.  So, our tale begins one day when Cindscaress was walking through the woods by herself with a basket of cookies, soup, and gossip magazines for her friend to eat and read while she recuperated.
After Cindscaress tripped for the billionth time, barely catching herself before she slammed her face into the ground, just like she had all the other ninety-nine million times (years of falling had given her superb reflexes).  Her red cape (red and capes were all the rage) billowed around her in the sudden rush of wind.  She didn't mind very much, though, because she was too busy staring at the four giant hairy paws by her face.
"Ew," Cindscaress said, getting to her feet and automatically spitting insults, "Don't touch me.  This makeup cost more than you make yearly, and it took two days to put on.  Nothing you could pull of, either.  Who do you think you are?"
The giant hairy paws, it turned out, belonged to a giant hairy wolf with evil, gleaming red eyes and lots of very sharp teeth.  He glared at her, quite offended, and snapped back, "...Well, at least I have all four limbs intact," and stomped off doing his best not to appear emotionally wounded.
Shrugging off the weird encounter, Cindscaress continued on her way.  Some time later, she reached her friend's house.  Cresindlet let down the ladder, and Cindscaress climbed her way up, being careful to not mess up her expensively dyed hair.
The two friends shared the lovely food Cindscaress had brought, and the incident was quickly forgotten by them, but not the wolf.  He opened a gossip magazine company, and soon became the most popular in all the land.  So, I guess you could say that in the end, everyone lived happily ever after.  Except the people the magazine gossiped about.

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3. The Newsoul trilogy (and novella), by Jodi Meadows



Once upon a time, there was this girl who had butterfly wings for eyelashes.  They made her face look very awesome, but they were a big nuisance.  She couldn't go swimming, because the wings would get soggy and flop in her eyes.  She couldn't wear sunglasses, because it was so uncomfortable, so, whenever the sun shone on her, the shiny wings reflected all the sunlight into her eyes.
The worst part, however, was whenever she blinked, the butterfly wings would flap.  Loudly.
So, you can imagine why what happened next happened after the girl had gone through an embarrassing day in which the sun's glare on her eye wings had made her cry, and, during a moment of silence at a school assembly, she had gotten something in her eye, blinked rapidly so her wings flapped like crazy, and attracted the stares of everyone in the entire school.
She hid behind the dumpsters in the school parking lot and cried until her wings stopped flapping.  As she got up, she noticed a strange lamp. It had an intricate, cool phoenix design on the side, and looked like it was made of gold.
The girl, knowing that this was obviously a genie lamp, eagerly picked it up and rubbed it.  A genie materialized in a puff of golden smoke.  He looked like a teenage boy about her age, with a cool phoenix tattoo over on eye, and red hair so artificial it hurt your eyes when you looked directly at it.
"Congratulations, you get three wishes," he said, in a bored tone of voice.  "What'll it be?"
The girl blinked a few times, then tentatively asked, "Can you make my wings go away?"
"Sure," said the genie, "You want them gone completely, or should I just change them into something else?"
"Well," said the girl, "My wings make me unique, but they're really annoying.  Maybe if they weren't butterfly wings, they wouldn't be as lame.  Can you change them to something less weird?"
The genie nodded, waved his hands around mysteriously, and then clapped his hands.  The girl felt a strong urge to close her eyes.  She did so, and when she opened them, saw the genie holding out a mirror.  She took it, and gasped in surprise.  Instead of wings, now she had a beautiful floral arrangement artistically arranged around her eyes.
She blinked, and a few small petals floated gently around her face.  The sweet smell of cherry blossoms filled the air.  "It's perfect!" she exclaimed, hugging the genie.  She rubbed the lamp again, and he disappeared in another puff of smoke.
For the next few months, everything was wonderful.  The girl was popular, her beautiful flower eyelashes the buzz on all the social media.  The genie lamp sat in the back of her closet, buried under a pile of clothes, forgotten.
But, everything changed when spring, the season of allergies, attacked.  Those flowers, once so artsy and fragrant, started spewing yellow pollen everywhere.  The school had to be closed down, because everyone's allergies were getting so bad.
Eyes streaming and nose gushing, the girl fought through the coats, shoes, and other clothing articles in her mess of a closet, and found the genie lamp.
"What'll it be?"
"C-change my eyes!" she begged, blowing her nose for the nine hundred and eightieth time, "Change them to anything, as long as it won't give anyone allergies!"
He waved his hands and clapped, and, immediately, everyone's noses and eyes cleared.  The girl grabbed the mirror, eager to see what her new face looked like.
Soft, majestic black and green feathers fluttered majestically every time she blinked.  "Thank you," she whispered, grinning.
Once again, her face was all the rage.  She died her hair green, began to wear only black, and wrote deep, emotional poems in a little green notebook she always carried with her.  Everyone copied her, getting fake feather eyelashes, books, and hipster hairstyles of their own.
For six months, life was perfect.  If not for molting season, she might have remained popular indefinitely.  But, life is not a wish-granting factory...unless you have a genie, that is.
In between frantically scratching her face as feathers flew everywhere, the girl managed to rub the lamp.
The genie appeared, but this time something about him seemed different.  "You've only got one wish left, you know.  You should use it wisely."
"Wisely?" she sobbed, rubbing her eyes furiously, "What do you mean, 'wisely'?!"
The genie smiled patiently.  "I mean, don't spend it on your face."
The girl looked up at him, with her raw, red, bleary eyes.  "What would you wish for, Mister Wise-guy?"
"I'd wish for a friend," he said softly.
The next day, two new, unfamiliar people arrived at school, one boy, one girl.  They both had phoenix tattoos on their faces, genie lamps in their backpacks, and completely ordinary eyelashes.

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Well, that concludes this post.  Thanks for reading!  Comment below with your thoughts, or covers you think I should judge next.  If you guys really like this, I might make it an annual thing! :)

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